Well its earlyish on a Sunday morning, the rain is relentless and my daughter was up and at 'em at just before 6, so consequently so was I.
I was up late listening to old music with my lovely other half last night, so I am running on 5 hours sleep - a veritable banquet compared to some of the early weeks when my little boy was first with us. I would consider myself well rested on three hours back then!
My lovely husband has offered me a release in that I can return to my pit for a couple of hours, but I would miss out on the wonder of a wet Sunday morning, snuggled up on the sofa in my pjs and blanket, fire on, and curtains shut, watching childrens tv and tapping out a contented blog!
I am getting ready and looking forward to a night away without the children next weekend, a posh hotel and a show, but I shall miss this snuggley malarky - I've come to rather enjoy the early rising of a Sunday morning - much better than the waste of the day getting up at 11 that I used to indulge in pre-Mummy days!
We are both imagining laying in till late next weekend - but I foresee waking at 7am and wanting to get up and get going!!! The other half seems to think we wont have time for shopping - we are in London for approx 20 hours, probably sleeping about 8 hours (oooh luxury!) eating for maybe 1 hour, laughing at the show for approx 2 hours, and travel time probably 2 hours.....to me that leaves 7 hours for shopping - forgive me if I have missed anything!! lol
Right I am off now to enjoy the delights that Sunday have to offer me this week.
Sunday, 15 November 2009
Saturday, 24 October 2009
Nobody knows I am here!
It is I think a fact that absolutely no-one has any idea I am here - a faceless blogger in the dark, I have searched for this blog - knowing as I do that it is here, and I cannot find it - so I challenge anyone to find it to comment below!!!
I am sitting here chatting to myself on my faceless blog, I could say anything, reveal family secrets, tell everyone my own darkest secrets - fairly certain that no-one would ever find it.
Part of this fills me with a certain degree of sadness - I have written some quite profound things - I think so anyway - I can put a sentence together....kind of, and some of it even makes sense and sometimes I make a point, usually by accident but there it is anyway!
I am feeling pretty displaced again, I often come here when I get 'that' feeling, somewhere I can have a moan and not have to worry to much that anyone is going to get offended!
I don't really see the point to me keeping this blog as I have managed to hide it so well - but here it still is, and here I am still tapping out meaningless words to no-one in particular!
Anyway, back to feeling displaced, I don't even know if that is the right word - correct me if you dare! But I just feel kind of 'out of the loop' I am not even sure there is a loop to be in, but I feel that I have finally pushed everyone so far away that I am no longer part of things.
I don't push everyone away - don't get me wrong - I am not an emotionally devoid shell sitting in a cold room with just a grey blanket and hard bed for company, and the occasional blog spurts out!!
I keep feeling inspired to do things, and then don't have the time or the energy to bother with it all.
I am sitting here chatting to myself on my faceless blog, I could say anything, reveal family secrets, tell everyone my own darkest secrets - fairly certain that no-one would ever find it.
Part of this fills me with a certain degree of sadness - I have written some quite profound things - I think so anyway - I can put a sentence together....kind of, and some of it even makes sense and sometimes I make a point, usually by accident but there it is anyway!
I am feeling pretty displaced again, I often come here when I get 'that' feeling, somewhere I can have a moan and not have to worry to much that anyone is going to get offended!
I don't really see the point to me keeping this blog as I have managed to hide it so well - but here it still is, and here I am still tapping out meaningless words to no-one in particular!
Anyway, back to feeling displaced, I don't even know if that is the right word - correct me if you dare! But I just feel kind of 'out of the loop' I am not even sure there is a loop to be in, but I feel that I have finally pushed everyone so far away that I am no longer part of things.
I don't push everyone away - don't get me wrong - I am not an emotionally devoid shell sitting in a cold room with just a grey blanket and hard bed for company, and the occasional blog spurts out!!
I keep feeling inspired to do things, and then don't have the time or the energy to bother with it all.
Monday, 10 August 2009
Waiting for the Rain
Always waiting for the rain, to nuture the thirsty garden, to clean the dirty paths, to refresh the dusty world.
I love rain, I love the smell of rain, the feel of rain - I like cold rain and warm rain, heavy rain and light rain.
Rain is a wonderful thing.
There are so many things whirring round my head right now, so many things that should be happening and aren't and shouldn't be happening but are.
There are things that are torn that can possibly never be fixed, there are things that are so strong you don't think they will ever change. There are things that are sad, things that make me smile, things I don't understand - things I don't want to understand.
People who do too much, people who don't do enough.
Is this really a balance?
Is it fair?
There are babies being born to people who want them so much, babies being born to people who don't and babies not being born to people who need them.
There are rights and wrongs, but who knows what they are?
Enough pondering, enough wondering, enough.
I just wait for the rain to help everything start again and refresh those that need it.
I love rain, I love the smell of rain, the feel of rain - I like cold rain and warm rain, heavy rain and light rain.
Rain is a wonderful thing.
There are so many things whirring round my head right now, so many things that should be happening and aren't and shouldn't be happening but are.
There are things that are torn that can possibly never be fixed, there are things that are so strong you don't think they will ever change. There are things that are sad, things that make me smile, things I don't understand - things I don't want to understand.
People who do too much, people who don't do enough.
Is this really a balance?
Is it fair?
There are babies being born to people who want them so much, babies being born to people who don't and babies not being born to people who need them.
There are rights and wrongs, but who knows what they are?
Enough pondering, enough wondering, enough.
I just wait for the rain to help everything start again and refresh those that need it.
Monday, 3 August 2009
Sloppy Chocolate Brownies
I feel absolutely sick - I have been eating the chocolate brownie I made at the weekend - something went wrong with it, and its got a sludgy centre.....but its bloody delicious! Can't fault it except its not a brownie!!
It was even nicer getting it out of the oven and dolloping creamy ice cream on it!!
Anyway, I am not here to write about chocolate brownies, I am here to write of the many decisions/choices/changes in my life at the moment.
After the dreadfull ups and downs of redundancy gate for poor old other half, he was not made redundant in the end, and has come out the other end with a pay rise and proper shift pattern - something he had been asking for, for 8 months!
This leaves me with lots of free time in the evenings, which although is great, I have started the decorating, I do the ironing etc. Tonight, Monday, I am sat here far too tired to do anything, but bored out of my skull. He is too busy to chat on the phone, the children are all in bed...although the little male one is still awake and disturbing my boredom with silliness! Like I say I feel sick from too much chocolate cake, and the room is full of brightly coloured toys because I promised I would leave them as they are so they can play with them in the morning.
I will shortly be going to bed, probably watch a dvd, its the stuff I have dreamed of - but be careful what you wish for - it may come true. So at the same time as being able to tuck myself up in bed watching trashy tv, I miss my dear darling husband like I never thought I would.
I miss seeing him sitting on the sofa on his computer, I miss arguing over the repeats I keep putting on the tv, while he wants to watch something informative and clever.
I miss making each other a drink, or just cuddling up on the sofa.
I miss him so much, and yet in only 2 1/2 hours he will be home and snuggling up to me in bed.
Thanks goodness.
The decisions I need to make are work related - I have a job interview this week - nobody outside my family knows about it, and I am desperately excited about it. I know deep down the hours probably wont fit in with my children, or my life as it is, but its still exciting to think that someone wants me. Well, not wants me, but someone has looked at my CV and not chucked it in the 'no-way' pile.
Its a boost.
Work has been absolutely dreadful of late, family wars (2 people from the same family working in the same department - don't speak!), silly arguements, boring work, it was not how I pictured my working life - and today my heart was not only not in it, it was not in the building - I think I may have left it in my other handbag!!
Study - I started studying with OU about 6 years ago, I completed a year, then I started a 2nd year - then I got pregnant with my son, and OU went out the window!
I have been looking into it all again - as I am bored and missing my lovely husband, I thought it might be an option - but I don't want to fail, so that is what is stopping me.
Its an expensive way of failing as well.
I never thought life would be so complicated - but then I do tend to make everything complicated - like putting the children to bed.
My son has been in bed for approx 2 hours and 15 minutes - and yet he is still messing about up there. I have taken a bundle of clothes out of his bed, a whole series of books, a pile of hard toys, and a pile of soft toys - he has a single bed and should be asleep by now. Its depressing.
Gah - I don't think this post has got any point, and I don't think it will be making one anytime soon, so probably the best thing to do would be press publish post, and hope that next time I come on here I have something more sensible to say.
It was even nicer getting it out of the oven and dolloping creamy ice cream on it!!
Anyway, I am not here to write about chocolate brownies, I am here to write of the many decisions/choices/changes in my life at the moment.
After the dreadfull ups and downs of redundancy gate for poor old other half, he was not made redundant in the end, and has come out the other end with a pay rise and proper shift pattern - something he had been asking for, for 8 months!
This leaves me with lots of free time in the evenings, which although is great, I have started the decorating, I do the ironing etc. Tonight, Monday, I am sat here far too tired to do anything, but bored out of my skull. He is too busy to chat on the phone, the children are all in bed...although the little male one is still awake and disturbing my boredom with silliness! Like I say I feel sick from too much chocolate cake, and the room is full of brightly coloured toys because I promised I would leave them as they are so they can play with them in the morning.
I will shortly be going to bed, probably watch a dvd, its the stuff I have dreamed of - but be careful what you wish for - it may come true. So at the same time as being able to tuck myself up in bed watching trashy tv, I miss my dear darling husband like I never thought I would.
I miss seeing him sitting on the sofa on his computer, I miss arguing over the repeats I keep putting on the tv, while he wants to watch something informative and clever.
I miss making each other a drink, or just cuddling up on the sofa.
I miss him so much, and yet in only 2 1/2 hours he will be home and snuggling up to me in bed.
Thanks goodness.
The decisions I need to make are work related - I have a job interview this week - nobody outside my family knows about it, and I am desperately excited about it. I know deep down the hours probably wont fit in with my children, or my life as it is, but its still exciting to think that someone wants me. Well, not wants me, but someone has looked at my CV and not chucked it in the 'no-way' pile.
Its a boost.
Work has been absolutely dreadful of late, family wars (2 people from the same family working in the same department - don't speak!), silly arguements, boring work, it was not how I pictured my working life - and today my heart was not only not in it, it was not in the building - I think I may have left it in my other handbag!!
Study - I started studying with OU about 6 years ago, I completed a year, then I started a 2nd year - then I got pregnant with my son, and OU went out the window!
I have been looking into it all again - as I am bored and missing my lovely husband, I thought it might be an option - but I don't want to fail, so that is what is stopping me.
Its an expensive way of failing as well.
I never thought life would be so complicated - but then I do tend to make everything complicated - like putting the children to bed.
My son has been in bed for approx 2 hours and 15 minutes - and yet he is still messing about up there. I have taken a bundle of clothes out of his bed, a whole series of books, a pile of hard toys, and a pile of soft toys - he has a single bed and should be asleep by now. Its depressing.
Gah - I don't think this post has got any point, and I don't think it will be making one anytime soon, so probably the best thing to do would be press publish post, and hope that next time I come on here I have something more sensible to say.
Friday, 19 June 2009
About Bloody Time Too!
Well its been a while again. Its again a Friday night, love em! I am waiting for the Tesco delivery man to deliver a months worth of shopping, yet I failed to look around me and realise that I still had quite a lot left from last month - doh!
Anyone want to come to mine for tea? lol
Anyway, I think that it was no mistake that I have ordered so much food - its the worry about the other halfs job that has got me hoarding I am sure of it!
I am currently drinking red wine, and waiting not only for the Tesco man, but also my dearly beloved husband to come home. He is working his ass off over this fucking job situation - lets hope it pays off!!
Have to say I am trying hard to find positives in everything, and also working very hard on not shouting at the children or getting all cross and mad at them. My goodness the work that is going in at the moment - if you could see the cogs in my brain working, you would be AMAZED!! It probably barely shows to the rest of you, but I am wrestling with the inner stress head constantly!!
The trouble is, people think you are normal, and they have no idea of the mess my brain is in!! I would just like to point out - I can't help it, and as much work that goes into keeping me level on the outside - there is going to be an outpour of all this stress....lets hope I take up kick boxing or something!!!
I am sure it will all be ok - but at least you have a point of reference, if some time in the future you wonder what was going on inside my head - here is all is!!! lol
That wasn't manic laughter by the way!
tee hee
See I am giggling uncontrollably now!
Oh dear.
I would just like to say, whatever the problem, there is always the other side, you almost always come out on that other side, and generally you have lived.....and the alternative, well, lets face it, if you didn't get out, then you probably have no idea!!
Happy thoughts!!
Right I am going to go and pace up and down in the kitchen waiting for the Tesco man, and my husband. Have fun, and happy blogging!!!
Anyone want to come to mine for tea? lol
Anyway, I think that it was no mistake that I have ordered so much food - its the worry about the other halfs job that has got me hoarding I am sure of it!
I am currently drinking red wine, and waiting not only for the Tesco man, but also my dearly beloved husband to come home. He is working his ass off over this fucking job situation - lets hope it pays off!!
Have to say I am trying hard to find positives in everything, and also working very hard on not shouting at the children or getting all cross and mad at them. My goodness the work that is going in at the moment - if you could see the cogs in my brain working, you would be AMAZED!! It probably barely shows to the rest of you, but I am wrestling with the inner stress head constantly!!
The trouble is, people think you are normal, and they have no idea of the mess my brain is in!! I would just like to point out - I can't help it, and as much work that goes into keeping me level on the outside - there is going to be an outpour of all this stress....lets hope I take up kick boxing or something!!!
I am sure it will all be ok - but at least you have a point of reference, if some time in the future you wonder what was going on inside my head - here is all is!!! lol
That wasn't manic laughter by the way!
tee hee
See I am giggling uncontrollably now!
Oh dear.
I would just like to say, whatever the problem, there is always the other side, you almost always come out on that other side, and generally you have lived.....and the alternative, well, lets face it, if you didn't get out, then you probably have no idea!!
Happy thoughts!!
Right I am going to go and pace up and down in the kitchen waiting for the Tesco man, and my husband. Have fun, and happy blogging!!!
Friday, 22 May 2009
How Bloody Rude?!
I have to say that some people are so rude - if you don't want to hear someone elses opinion, then don't fucking offer yours!!
Watching VH1 Classic - and bravo for being the first music channel that we haven't had to dive for the remote control!!
How sad is that?
There is nothing wrong with liking music from your youth....nothing wrong at all.....
I have now drunk a WHOLE bottle of red and I am feeling really rather good about it - its Friday night, and we have a bank holiday weekend ahead of us!!
I am peeved because I can't remember how to log into Myspace - and I am a bit sad if the truth be known....
I found my page on myspace and just read my old blogs, and I feel sad for the person I was and the person I now am :o(
I seemed very content and happy, and now, things have settled into place nicely, but I don't feel how I seemed to then......
How moany am I?!?!?!
I think it had a lot to do with only having one child, he was my absolute life, and now I have 2, and the first child has been through some, shall we say trying times lately......BUT, I shall whisper the next bit *he has been much better lately* so I should probably be feeling much better soon.......
Only a couple of weeks till I am holidaying.........can't wait :o)
ahhh.....going to go now...so fuck off.......see ya!
Watching VH1 Classic - and bravo for being the first music channel that we haven't had to dive for the remote control!!
How sad is that?
There is nothing wrong with liking music from your youth....nothing wrong at all.....
I have now drunk a WHOLE bottle of red and I am feeling really rather good about it - its Friday night, and we have a bank holiday weekend ahead of us!!
I am peeved because I can't remember how to log into Myspace - and I am a bit sad if the truth be known....
I found my page on myspace and just read my old blogs, and I feel sad for the person I was and the person I now am :o(
I seemed very content and happy, and now, things have settled into place nicely, but I don't feel how I seemed to then......
How moany am I?!?!?!
I think it had a lot to do with only having one child, he was my absolute life, and now I have 2, and the first child has been through some, shall we say trying times lately......BUT, I shall whisper the next bit *he has been much better lately* so I should probably be feeling much better soon.......
Only a couple of weeks till I am holidaying.........can't wait :o)
ahhh.....going to go now...so fuck off.......see ya!
Monday, 11 May 2009
Monday Mornings and Moaning!!
I dislike Monday mornings for a whole variety of reasons, but I dislike them even more when my husband is on early shift!
This morning I was up with my daughter at 5.45am, my son followed soon after, then ensued the madness that is getting everyone dressed without the house being totally trashed!
Breakfast - cups of tea for the children, and a coffee for me - son insisted on breakfast, but has yet to eat it, as he decided he wants to eat breakfast at Nannies house.
So now we are sitting in the limbo that is morning between getting up and dressed and dropping off and going to work.
This is a relatively short time, approx an hour, maybe a bit more, but the children all want to get going, you want to get going, but the time isn't quite there yet!
Don't get me wrong, the luxury of limbo is often replaced with the hell that is rushing around, and the inevitable forgetting of things.
I am lucky that this week I have a three day week, so although the name of the week is Monday, its almost like starting the week on a Wednesday - I will be updating my co-workers all week on this fact until they are half crazy!!
I have considered over some time, that you can be sat right next to someone everyday, and not really know what that person is like.
Some are like open books, little clues to the real them, the fashionable party girl, who really just wants to get married and have a family. The family lady, who really just wants the children to grow up and leave home so she can get on with her life.
The quiet humble man, who has spurned most luxuries, lives on hand outs and freebies, but is secretly saving a small fortune for his retirement, when he plans to kick back and relax in the way he should have twenty years ago.
In reality, it doesn't matter how much time is spent with a person, its the quality of time spent.
I bang on about working full time - probably because I feel guilty about leaving the children, but I know that the time I do spend with the children is top quality time. We make the most of every second with each other, we don't alway spend a lot of money, for example, on Saturday we went for a walk to the park and along the seafront, the children had some sweets and a drink, and then we walked home again. The afternoon was spent pottering about at home, doing little jobs. On Sunday, we popped to the shop for some bits for dinner, and then spent the rest of the day doing little jobs round the garden and playing with the children in the sunshine.
We don't have lots and lots to offer our children, we are creating a home for them, they have their own bedrooms, and some space. They have most things they want, and everything they need. We are trying really hard to help them to grow up well and have the abilities to create their own homes and families in the future.
I remember clearly waiting for life to begin, wondering what sort of home I would live in, what sort of work I would do, what my children would be like.....then one day I realised my life had already started - I am living it now - its the only one I have got, so I had better make it count.
This morning I was up with my daughter at 5.45am, my son followed soon after, then ensued the madness that is getting everyone dressed without the house being totally trashed!
Breakfast - cups of tea for the children, and a coffee for me - son insisted on breakfast, but has yet to eat it, as he decided he wants to eat breakfast at Nannies house.
So now we are sitting in the limbo that is morning between getting up and dressed and dropping off and going to work.
This is a relatively short time, approx an hour, maybe a bit more, but the children all want to get going, you want to get going, but the time isn't quite there yet!
Don't get me wrong, the luxury of limbo is often replaced with the hell that is rushing around, and the inevitable forgetting of things.
I am lucky that this week I have a three day week, so although the name of the week is Monday, its almost like starting the week on a Wednesday - I will be updating my co-workers all week on this fact until they are half crazy!!
I have considered over some time, that you can be sat right next to someone everyday, and not really know what that person is like.
Some are like open books, little clues to the real them, the fashionable party girl, who really just wants to get married and have a family. The family lady, who really just wants the children to grow up and leave home so she can get on with her life.
The quiet humble man, who has spurned most luxuries, lives on hand outs and freebies, but is secretly saving a small fortune for his retirement, when he plans to kick back and relax in the way he should have twenty years ago.
In reality, it doesn't matter how much time is spent with a person, its the quality of time spent.
I bang on about working full time - probably because I feel guilty about leaving the children, but I know that the time I do spend with the children is top quality time. We make the most of every second with each other, we don't alway spend a lot of money, for example, on Saturday we went for a walk to the park and along the seafront, the children had some sweets and a drink, and then we walked home again. The afternoon was spent pottering about at home, doing little jobs. On Sunday, we popped to the shop for some bits for dinner, and then spent the rest of the day doing little jobs round the garden and playing with the children in the sunshine.
We don't have lots and lots to offer our children, we are creating a home for them, they have their own bedrooms, and some space. They have most things they want, and everything they need. We are trying really hard to help them to grow up well and have the abilities to create their own homes and families in the future.
I remember clearly waiting for life to begin, wondering what sort of home I would live in, what sort of work I would do, what my children would be like.....then one day I realised my life had already started - I am living it now - its the only one I have got, so I had better make it count.
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