I want it all.....

It isn't too much to ask is it? I want a part-time job doing something I enjoy, approx 25 hours a week, Monday to Friday..... I wouldn't have said this was asking a lot, but after searching for a very long time for this job I have discovered it is partly mythical and partly so scarce that when you apply for it you don't even get a courtesy letter saying thanks but no thanks back. I am an educated person, I don't expect the world given to me on a plate and I can just pick out the best bits and leave the nasty bits that are good for you out...BUT I am only here once, for an unlimited time only, and I want to make the most out of my time here. That means I wont sell myself for a price totally to a company, I expect time off which fits in with my family, and I want to spend our time off together enjoying our time. Because the time I have with a young family is too short, and with my eldest aged seven and a half, and my youngest aged eighteen months,and my only daughter aged five, I intend to make the most of them while they still want to know me and are still speaking to me after their terrible up-bringing. They are pretty awesome kids, they argue a lot, they hurt each other, they scream at me, and do naughty naughty things, which is what you expect from kiddies, but they are also loving, happy clever amazing children and they love me because I am their Mum. I am still looking for that mythical job, to fit in around my life - unfortunately employers seem to think we should fit in life around their jobs, which I will never do willingly.

Billy Joel and other such pleasures....

We are back from our little jaunt to the North of the country. The children were both convinced we were going to Scotland because they had been reliably informed that the top end of the country is Scotland. So after some explanations....they still thought we were leaving England and I decided it didn't really matter where they thought they were as long as they had a nice time.

It was our first trip with a hotel instead of a holiday home for a few years, and our baby settled into things without a hitch. Except for the fact that he and his older brother and sister decided that as they were on holiday they would stay awake for half the night....leaving no evening to enjoy, so when we got home I was desperate to sit with a glass of wine and enjoy some semi-silence while the children were all in their own beds.

I took a few cds with me when I went to get the other half from work last Wednesday because I have no idea how to connect his ipod up to the car radio, and to stick a cd in is much easier. I popped a little Erasure onto bop to, and my daughter decided that she liked the music very much, my older son liked the music and his voice but not the words (we were listening to Love to Hate you at the time) We then switched to some Billy Joel and I had forgotten how very much I like listening to his voice and his music, and the lyrics to his songs. It can make me thoughtful, and also stop me from thinking about all that is making me miserable at the moment.

I applied for another new job today, working for a solicitor in Ipswich. I had an email saying thanks but no thanks within an hour of sending my cv. How depressing is that?

I have a managers meeting at work tonight....ON MY DAY OFF!!! It makes me mad because I have been thinking about it all day, which makes it hard to enjoy not being there.

I made an apple pie today. Its my first one, and I kind of made the recipe up by myself, so I am a little worried it wont pass the vigor of testing it will be put through once everyone is home. It was made to try and cheer my darling husband up as he is feeling a little sad too.

The wind of change is still blowing strong, but its kind of blowing in on itself at the moment and so we are standing still......lets hope it makes up its mind soon and blows us all in the same direction and out of this storm.....

Sometimes....

We booked a little trip away the day before yesterday - we decided we wanted to have a few days away from it all and that was that, three days booked in York and we are leaving in approx 4 hours!

The other half is at work and me and the three skids are picking him up on our way! So I have sole responsibility for making sure everything we need or want is packed up in the car!

I packed by butt off yesterday - in my head the romantic side of me with my lovely rose tinted specs had visions of me throwing a few bits in a suitcase and off we would go. The reality was me sitting and making a list of exactly what we all should need, plus a few extras. Then there was me washing and drying a large amount of clothes because I had a whole week at home ahead of me to catch up with such things.....not so any more! lol

Then there was the sorting of clothes once they were dry. It took most of the day to sort things out and arrange things and then get them in the suitcase which pretty quickly turned into two suitcases.....

Then I had arranged a night out with some friends I used to work with, so I quickly got ready and waited for my other half to come home and he then took over the packing duties.

I had three pints of beer while I was out and we got to bed at around about midnight. Poor old other half was up at silly o'clock to go to work again, and now here I am taking 10 minutes to try and work out what the hell I am doing next!

The only problem with two people packing and not at the same time is that neither of us are sure what the other has done. Several texts later and I think we are getting somewhere.....now I just want to pack up the car and goooooooooo!

Red wine, a second blog in two days and a moment to think....

I sometimes wonder if thinking is really good for us? We should probably all just plod along like our ancestors before us just being glad that we are still alive and able to go and work to earn money to pay for our food!

Just sitting here with a glass of wine, the other half is strumming on his electric guitar....starting to wonder if that was a well thought out gift...joke! The two older kiddies are upstairs playing, and our wee baby is crawling around with the dogs, we haven't sent him out there with the dogs, he just came bundling through crawling for the first time in weeks flanked by the dogs. Maybe he thinks he is a dog? Maybe he just thought it looked like fun to be on all fours? Maybe they knocked him over when he was toddling about and he can't be bothered to get back up again? Who knows what goes through your head when you are 15 months old and surrounded by people and animals much larger than you.

I am having a glass of wine because I do not have an early start tomorrow, a good excuse I felt, not that I need an excuse. The other excuse being there was an annoying half drunk bottle of wine on the side in the kitchen that needed using up and the kids don't appreciate wine in their food. Well my oldest does, he likes a little wine flavour in his bolognaise, but his sister - she is very clean living and doesn't like the cursed alcohol in her food. She also shies away from anything carbonated and anything spicier than a carrot can do one as well. She also has intolerance to dairy products, she is what could be described as a right little fancy fairy and has perfected her urgh face to go with any occasion!

Not that I need an excuse to have a glass of wine, I am 33 years old and am allowed to drink a glass of wine if I want. My daughter did tell me that I am not supposed to have a glass of wine today - tomorrow being Wednesday would be the day I could have a glass of wine. I'm not sure what her logic is or where it comes from, but if I had a glass of wine tomorrow at this time I would get the sack from work as I am there for a long shift and I don't think wine drinking is allowed. If I have a glass of wine before my shift it would be too early in the day and might be considered a problem, and if I wait till I get home from work it would be getting onto midnight and the other half has an early start the next morning for work himself.

My oldest son is talking to me about a computer game and the characters in it, I nod and smile and say 'ooooh' or 'yes' now and then but I really have no idea what he is talking about. This is still with the other half plucking out notes on the guitar...the original sounds were him tuning it, I'm not sure what he is doing now, but mixed with computer drone and the dogs tapping about on the laminate floor, and of course the baby scooting his fire engine up and down in stereo because the baby monitor is picking up the sound I have found my moment to think is not happening again.

Confusion

I feel very confused at the moment, I have been feeling confused for about the last two years, and the mists of confusion are not getting any clearer with the passing of time.

I have tried to change things that I thought might need changing, and either they didn't need changing or I have changed them for the very wrong thing.....

I am constantly chasing my tail and fed up with working and living to someone elses ideals.

The name of this blog is seeking perfection, because ultimately that is what everyone is after - a way of living life to your own idea of perfection.

Sometimes I feel like perfection is dangled in front of me like a carrot before a donkey, and that someday I might be able to grab hold of it and have a go - but grabbing carrots and being after the perfect life is not something we should be thinking about. We are all expected to be happy with our lot, and perfection is something to be snorted at. But in reality we all want it. We all strive for it. Perfection for everyone is something different.

Perfection for me today would be for my dear other half to get a job he is after, that the money is good enough that I can become a stay at home Mum, pathetic in a feminist world I know, but its what I want. Feminism is supposed to be about choices, but I don't really feel we are quite there yet as there are still too few choices for all but the very very rich, or the extremely selfish - and I mean that for men and women - children and the elderly. Choices are few and often forced. To be given a real choice must be quite wonderful.

The thing with perfection is that it changes everyday, so I guess its part of life that we will always be seeking it and never quite getting it. I'll keep you posted if it ever happens!

Autumn again!

I have been working in my new job now for a month. I have yet to see any pay (tomorrow is pay day!) and I have already dropped a night so only do two nights a week. This sounds pretty bad I would have thought, but I knew it was too much and I wasn't getting quite what I wanted out of it, and lucky the home is pretty flexible and have accommodated my request to drop one night a week.

I do get quite tired after my night on, although I usually manage to get a nap the day before, and then I usually get a three hour sleep in after my night, which is enough to see me through till bedtime. So its working out pretty well. I am getting to do what I wanted with the children, the teachers all know who I am at school, I went to a 'thing' at the school last week, so am not feeling I am missing out. Today my daughter is off school with a tummy bug, and because of the vulnerable adults I work with, I am not allowed to go to work tonight - which feels really weird. I have to, by law, let the home know that we have a tummy bug at home, and they have to, by law, stop me coming in and spreading it about. I feel just terrible, but think I would feel worse if I went in and they all came down with the bug!

I am now looking for something to bring in a few extra pennies, that I can work around the kids and work etc etc etc - almost everyone I know makes jewelry or greeting cards, are a rep of some description in the pyramid schemes that are Avon and Body Shop. To try and think of something, new, unique and that would actually be worth doing is quite a task!!!

I dare say I will think of something eventually!

When I first started my new job I had a very bad time of it for a couple of weeks, I was dealing with a new situation, learning lots of new things, my son going back to school after the school holidays and my daughter starting school for the first time! I was also dealing with leaving the baby - I was very down for a couple of weeks, smiles were no where to be seen and tears flowed like a waterfall. My lovely hubby told me to jack in the job - but as tempting as that idea was deep down I knew that it was not the job, it was just the amount of change I was dealing with in a very short period of time.

I am getting into a routine now, getting used to what I have to do and even getting used to working right through the night!

New Job

I have worked in admin for a large transport company for 8 years. I went back to work full-time then for a little while slightly less than full-time after my son was born, then when my daughter was born I went back full-time again.

This left me feeling mostly guilty and very sad. I would be away from the children so much, then when I was home I was trying to keep up with house work etc. Work wasn't my 'dream job' so to speak - it merely paid the bills - just.

So when I found out I was having our latest baby, the first thoughts that crossed my mind was that I didn't want to leave him as much. I cried so many tears over the lost moments with my son and daughter and had to do so much juggling to go and see a school play, or a sports day, or to do a drop off or pick up from playgroup or school. So around my sons 4 month mark I began to trawl through job sites and papers for something that was part-time and fitted around school, and also paid!

After many months of looking I found and applied for a job as a night carer in a local home for the elderly. I had originally wanted to go into a care setting, and now it would appear was my chance.

I got an interview, and interviewed well enough to be offered the job! So I handed in my notice to my old job, with a great deal of sadness, but also feeling quite thrilled at the prospect of my new job!

I don't start until the end of the school holidays, and so still have the summer with the children, and also the prospect of being there for all school drop offs and pick ups AND the precious time I was seeking with my baby boy too.

I know the work will be hard, and the catching up with sleep will be difficult. But I don't usually take the easy option, and so am well used to finding solutions to difficulties - and for the rewards of just being there for my family it will be worth it.

The kids had some mixed feelings about me being out at night, my son advised me that there were gangs of not very nice people out at night time and he would be worried about me. So we showed him where I would be working, and explained I wouldn't be going out during the night. He was quite envious when I told him of the beautiful view of the sea I shall be getting out of the front windows!

My daughter just wants me to be here all the time. Understandable - I am her Mummy, and Mummy is supposed to be there all the time! But she has come round to the idea a bit more knowing I'll be there in the morning for breakfast, and only three nights a week.

I expect my husband and baby will benefit most as they will get to spread out on my bed for three nights a week without me getting in their way, but I hope they will miss me a little.

All in all a new way of life is on its way, again.