Christmas

Well its that time of year again - the week between Christmas and New Year. The excitment has been appeased by the giving and receiving of gifts. The children are playing with their new toys, we have even homed most of them. The bin people are arriving sometime tomorrow to take away the small mountain of recycling which is sitting in a rather attractive and festive heap out the front of the house. Food has been eaten, crackers pulled, we have just got to 'see in' the new year and we will be back on the normal loop.

My sons birthday, a load of other birthdays, my daughters birthday, my birthday, my husbands birthday, a load more birthdays and then Christmas and New Year again!

All there is to look forward to is retirement, when there will probably be an enormous void because my family will have all moved on, no more relentless working - gah what is the point?!?!

We had a pretty good Christmas really, the day went well, we had a nice Christmas dinner, the children really seemed happy with what they got, there were no dreadful disasters and everything was nice. Well worth the effort and planning that went in to it. Boxing day - we wont go there, not here, not now, lets just say we wont be repeating that experience.

We had a party on the Sunday, was supposed to be a joint party for my family and the other halfs family, but I have recently discovered that I come from quite a small family, and they are often busy, so I was represented only by myself and my lovely parents.

Anyhoo, Christmas has long been my favourite time of year, but with it comes so many conditions, you want it to all be perfect, you want everyone to have a good time, and its so hard to get a set of circumstances where everyone is going to be happy.

But we achieved it on the whole this year, and we even have some minor plans for New Years Eve this year!

Right I am going to snuggly under a blanket with my little boy and watch the rest of some old film on the tv - more great traditions for Christmas week :o)

Sunday Morning

Well its earlyish on a Sunday morning, the rain is relentless and my daughter was up and at 'em at just before 6, so consequently so was I.

I was up late listening to old music with my lovely other half last night, so I am running on 5 hours sleep - a veritable banquet compared to some of the early weeks when my little boy was first with us. I would consider myself well rested on three hours back then!

My lovely husband has offered me a release in that I can return to my pit for a couple of hours, but I would miss out on the wonder of a wet Sunday morning, snuggled up on the sofa in my pjs and blanket, fire on, and curtains shut, watching childrens tv and tapping out a contented blog!

I am getting ready and looking forward to a night away without the children next weekend, a posh hotel and a show, but I shall miss this snuggley malarky - I've come to rather enjoy the early rising of a Sunday morning - much better than the waste of the day getting up at 11 that I used to indulge in pre-Mummy days!

We are both imagining laying in till late next weekend - but I foresee waking at 7am and wanting to get up and get going!!! The other half seems to think we wont have time for shopping - we are in London for approx 20 hours, probably sleeping about 8 hours (oooh luxury!) eating for maybe 1 hour, laughing at the show for approx 2 hours, and travel time probably 2 hours.....to me that leaves 7 hours for shopping - forgive me if I have missed anything!! lol

Right I am off now to enjoy the delights that Sunday have to offer me this week.

Nobody knows I am here!

It is I think a fact that absolutely no-one has any idea I am here - a faceless blogger in the dark, I have searched for this blog - knowing as I do that it is here, and I cannot find it - so I challenge anyone to find it to comment below!!!

I am sitting here chatting to myself on my faceless blog, I could say anything, reveal family secrets, tell everyone my own darkest secrets - fairly certain that no-one would ever find it.

Part of this fills me with a certain degree of sadness - I have written some quite profound things - I think so anyway - I can put a sentence together....kind of, and some of it even makes sense and sometimes I make a point, usually by accident but there it is anyway!

I am feeling pretty displaced again, I often come here when I get 'that' feeling, somewhere I can have a moan and not have to worry to much that anyone is going to get offended!

I don't really see the point to me keeping this blog as I have managed to hide it so well - but here it still is, and here I am still tapping out meaningless words to no-one in particular!

Anyway, back to feeling displaced, I don't even know if that is the right word - correct me if you dare! But I just feel kind of 'out of the loop' I am not even sure there is a loop to be in, but I feel that I have finally pushed everyone so far away that I am no longer part of things.

I don't push everyone away - don't get me wrong - I am not an emotionally devoid shell sitting in a cold room with just a grey blanket and hard bed for company, and the occasional blog spurts out!!

I keep feeling inspired to do things, and then don't have the time or the energy to bother with it all.

Waiting for the Rain

Always waiting for the rain, to nuture the thirsty garden, to clean the dirty paths, to refresh the dusty world.

I love rain, I love the smell of rain, the feel of rain - I like cold rain and warm rain, heavy rain and light rain.

Rain is a wonderful thing.

There are so many things whirring round my head right now, so many things that should be happening and aren't and shouldn't be happening but are.

There are things that are torn that can possibly never be fixed, there are things that are so strong you don't think they will ever change. There are things that are sad, things that make me smile, things I don't understand - things I don't want to understand.

People who do too much, people who don't do enough.

Is this really a balance?

Is it fair?

There are babies being born to people who want them so much, babies being born to people who don't and babies not being born to people who need them.

There are rights and wrongs, but who knows what they are?

Enough pondering, enough wondering, enough.

I just wait for the rain to help everything start again and refresh those that need it.

Sloppy Chocolate Brownies

I feel absolutely sick - I have been eating the chocolate brownie I made at the weekend - something went wrong with it, and its got a sludgy centre.....but its bloody delicious! Can't fault it except its not a brownie!!

It was even nicer getting it out of the oven and dolloping creamy ice cream on it!!

Anyway, I am not here to write about chocolate brownies, I am here to write of the many decisions/choices/changes in my life at the moment.

After the dreadfull ups and downs of redundancy gate for poor old other half, he was not made redundant in the end, and has come out the other end with a pay rise and proper shift pattern - something he had been asking for, for 8 months!

This leaves me with lots of free time in the evenings, which although is great, I have started the decorating, I do the ironing etc. Tonight, Monday, I am sat here far too tired to do anything, but bored out of my skull. He is too busy to chat on the phone, the children are all in bed...although the little male one is still awake and disturbing my boredom with silliness! Like I say I feel sick from too much chocolate cake, and the room is full of brightly coloured toys because I promised I would leave them as they are so they can play with them in the morning.

I will shortly be going to bed, probably watch a dvd, its the stuff I have dreamed of - but be careful what you wish for - it may come true. So at the same time as being able to tuck myself up in bed watching trashy tv, I miss my dear darling husband like I never thought I would.

I miss seeing him sitting on the sofa on his computer, I miss arguing over the repeats I keep putting on the tv, while he wants to watch something informative and clever.

I miss making each other a drink, or just cuddling up on the sofa.

I miss him so much, and yet in only 2 1/2 hours he will be home and snuggling up to me in bed.

Thanks goodness.

The decisions I need to make are work related - I have a job interview this week - nobody outside my family knows about it, and I am desperately excited about it. I know deep down the hours probably wont fit in with my children, or my life as it is, but its still exciting to think that someone wants me. Well, not wants me, but someone has looked at my CV and not chucked it in the 'no-way' pile.

Its a boost.

Work has been absolutely dreadful of late, family wars (2 people from the same family working in the same department - don't speak!), silly arguements, boring work, it was not how I pictured my working life - and today my heart was not only not in it, it was not in the building - I think I may have left it in my other handbag!!

Study - I started studying with OU about 6 years ago, I completed a year, then I started a 2nd year - then I got pregnant with my son, and OU went out the window!

I have been looking into it all again - as I am bored and missing my lovely husband, I thought it might be an option - but I don't want to fail, so that is what is stopping me.

Its an expensive way of failing as well.

I never thought life would be so complicated - but then I do tend to make everything complicated - like putting the children to bed.

My son has been in bed for approx 2 hours and 15 minutes - and yet he is still messing about up there. I have taken a bundle of clothes out of his bed, a whole series of books, a pile of hard toys, and a pile of soft toys - he has a single bed and should be asleep by now. Its depressing.

Gah - I don't think this post has got any point, and I don't think it will be making one anytime soon, so probably the best thing to do would be press publish post, and hope that next time I come on here I have something more sensible to say.

About Bloody Time Too!

Well its been a while again. Its again a Friday night, love em! I am waiting for the Tesco delivery man to deliver a months worth of shopping, yet I failed to look around me and realise that I still had quite a lot left from last month - doh!

Anyone want to come to mine for tea? lol

Anyway, I think that it was no mistake that I have ordered so much food - its the worry about the other halfs job that has got me hoarding I am sure of it!

I am currently drinking red wine, and waiting not only for the Tesco man, but also my dearly beloved husband to come home. He is working his ass off over this fucking job situation - lets hope it pays off!!

Have to say I am trying hard to find positives in everything, and also working very hard on not shouting at the children or getting all cross and mad at them. My goodness the work that is going in at the moment - if you could see the cogs in my brain working, you would be AMAZED!! It probably barely shows to the rest of you, but I am wrestling with the inner stress head constantly!!

The trouble is, people think you are normal, and they have no idea of the mess my brain is in!! I would just like to point out - I can't help it, and as much work that goes into keeping me level on the outside - there is going to be an outpour of all this stress....lets hope I take up kick boxing or something!!!

I am sure it will all be ok - but at least you have a point of reference, if some time in the future you wonder what was going on inside my head - here is all is!!! lol

That wasn't manic laughter by the way!

tee hee

See I am giggling uncontrollably now!

Oh dear.

I would just like to say, whatever the problem, there is always the other side, you almost always come out on that other side, and generally you have lived.....and the alternative, well, lets face it, if you didn't get out, then you probably have no idea!!

Happy thoughts!!

Right I am going to go and pace up and down in the kitchen waiting for the Tesco man, and my husband. Have fun, and happy blogging!!!

How Bloody Rude?!

I have to say that some people are so rude - if you don't want to hear someone elses opinion, then don't fucking offer yours!!

Watching VH1 Classic - and bravo for being the first music channel that we haven't had to dive for the remote control!!

How sad is that?

There is nothing wrong with liking music from your youth....nothing wrong at all.....

I have now drunk a WHOLE bottle of red and I am feeling really rather good about it - its Friday night, and we have a bank holiday weekend ahead of us!!

I am peeved because I can't remember how to log into Myspace - and I am a bit sad if the truth be known....

I found my page on myspace and just read my old blogs, and I feel sad for the person I was and the person I now am :o(

I seemed very content and happy, and now, things have settled into place nicely, but I don't feel how I seemed to then......

How moany am I?!?!?!

I think it had a lot to do with only having one child, he was my absolute life, and now I have 2, and the first child has been through some, shall we say trying times lately......BUT, I shall whisper the next bit *he has been much better lately* so I should probably be feeling much better soon.......

Only a couple of weeks till I am holidaying.........can't wait :o)

ahhh.....going to go now...so fuck off.......see ya!

Monday Mornings and Moaning!!

I dislike Monday mornings for a whole variety of reasons, but I dislike them even more when my husband is on early shift!

This morning I was up with my daughter at 5.45am, my son followed soon after, then ensued the madness that is getting everyone dressed without the house being totally trashed!

Breakfast - cups of tea for the children, and a coffee for me - son insisted on breakfast, but has yet to eat it, as he decided he wants to eat breakfast at Nannies house.

So now we are sitting in the limbo that is morning between getting up and dressed and dropping off and going to work.

This is a relatively short time, approx an hour, maybe a bit more, but the children all want to get going, you want to get going, but the time isn't quite there yet!

Don't get me wrong, the luxury of limbo is often replaced with the hell that is rushing around, and the inevitable forgetting of things.

I am lucky that this week I have a three day week, so although the name of the week is Monday, its almost like starting the week on a Wednesday - I will be updating my co-workers all week on this fact until they are half crazy!!

I have considered over some time, that you can be sat right next to someone everyday, and not really know what that person is like.

Some are like open books, little clues to the real them, the fashionable party girl, who really just wants to get married and have a family. The family lady, who really just wants the children to grow up and leave home so she can get on with her life.

The quiet humble man, who has spurned most luxuries, lives on hand outs and freebies, but is secretly saving a small fortune for his retirement, when he plans to kick back and relax in the way he should have twenty years ago.

In reality, it doesn't matter how much time is spent with a person, its the quality of time spent.

I bang on about working full time - probably because I feel guilty about leaving the children, but I know that the time I do spend with the children is top quality time. We make the most of every second with each other, we don't alway spend a lot of money, for example, on Saturday we went for a walk to the park and along the seafront, the children had some sweets and a drink, and then we walked home again. The afternoon was spent pottering about at home, doing little jobs. On Sunday, we popped to the shop for some bits for dinner, and then spent the rest of the day doing little jobs round the garden and playing with the children in the sunshine.

We don't have lots and lots to offer our children, we are creating a home for them, they have their own bedrooms, and some space. They have most things they want, and everything they need. We are trying really hard to help them to grow up well and have the abilities to create their own homes and families in the future.

I remember clearly waiting for life to begin, wondering what sort of home I would live in, what sort of work I would do, what my children would be like.....then one day I realised my life had already started - I am living it now - its the only one I have got, so I had better make it count.

Tennyson In Memoriam

I have always held dear to my heart the poetry of Tennyson - he was introduced to me when I was a small child my Grandmother, and he stuck with me as a passionate and dark poet throughout my school years.

I have not thought of Tennyson's poetry for many years, maybe not since I finished my A-levels - a long time anyway.

Today I thought of some of his words of wisdom and have questioned them.

From Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam:27, 1850:
I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

In truth, I have never really thought about this, and have often said the words - but have never really thought of the meaning behind them.

Is it really better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

If one has never loved, surely they know not of what they are missing?

Life does not stop or pause, just because someone has never felt love.

There is far too much of life put into trying to fall in love, to find a mate for life, monogomy - something that in our history is not really part of our instincts it has to be said.

Having said this - I feel we are better than this - well most of us anyway, and it really isn't that hard to commit to one person for life, especially if you really love them - and here we are back at better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Personally I am in love with my husband, I feel alive when I am with him and as if something is partially missing when he is not there - I did not feel this before we were together - I assume I was a complete person back in the days before I had commited myself to another human being??

If, for some reason he was to be gone from my life, would Iforever feel that something was missing - something I hadn't missed before I was with him, but ultimately has become so integral to my life as I know it - if he was gone I would feel only partial to what I feel now?

So is it really better to have loved and lost than never loved at all???

Had I never met my husband, had I never bothered to go out there and find that special someone to spend the rest of my life with..I would surely have never loved, so would never miss that special feeling when you are with the person you are destined to spend the rest of your life with.

There is the key - I hunted him down, for want of a better phrase - I actively wanted to find a person to fall in love with and settle down with. Although I was a complete person before I met my husband, and I was happy most of the time, there was obviously something that I was missing, something I wanted (no don't be rude!!) that special someone to come home to at night, and who would help me to shut the doors and close the curtains and make a special safe place away from the world at large.

So yet again Tennyson, you have spoken wise words indeed.

It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

To that I raise a glass and be thankful to the love of my life.

Well we are currently situated on a Wednesday evening - yes I shall call it evening even though experts among you would probably insinuate I was a little forward thinking and really its late afternoon....but I don't care.



Well after writing this flipping thing about 5 times, it is now officially the evening.



Kids are in bed, I am all set for the ironing - what a life I lead!

Well how funny - its now Friday, I have had a few glasses of wine and my dinner (2 eat for £9 from your friend and mine Tesco!!) Life is gooooooooood!

Looking at rightmove - house prices seem a bit out there at the moment - don't get me wrong, I am not about to quote any fancy stats from the latest BBC news report - but from my own browsings of the net, they don't seem to be coming down in the cascade that was reported a few months ago - no, we are not living in a house that was once worth a packet, and now worth peanuts, and no, we are not going to pay for our retirement by scooping up a few houses for pence as the prices drop through the floor - they have kind of - now this is REALLY out there, levelled - much like I said would happen eventually about five years ago - but don't forget I am a girl and not worth listening to!

My other half is sat on his mobile, not swinging from the ceiling, he is not a pretty trinket, but his mobile phone - he is on call - eighth night in a row, and to be honest its getting a bit tiring now.

Last night there was a call - I don't know what time it was, I don't really care, all I know was it was fucking late, and I was asleep and then I was awake listening to him talking on the phone about trailers and other such exciting things.

It is not good - and yes the pay rise was fantastic, and we can afford some pretty nice things these days, (not least 2 eat for £9 - yes £9!!) but jeez, I could do without hearing that ring tone for a few nights!!!!!!

Work for me, starts at 8am and finishes on the dot at 3.30pm - and I am glad of this. I don't think I would want to sit on the phone in the middle of the night explaining to some driver that yes, once you have had a poo, you should really wipe your arse till its clean and then wash your hands....ok so its not that bad, but my goodness, I think I could work out some of the things they phone up about, and I am not a trained lorry driver!!!!

But enough about lorry drivers toilet habits....I am now bored of writing this blog and am going to watch some stand up comedy on DAVE - I should really write to Tesco and Sky and advise them that my much read blog should be sponsered by them!!! Laughs MY Arse off....!!!

Things that Change!!

I have been making a few observations over the last few years, mainly to do with my own life - obviously - despite what is said about me, I am not really an on-line stalker!!

Before our children came along, we would eat dinner at approx 8pm every night, sometimes 9pm - we never had a lot in, but would have cupboards full of weird and wonderfull things, but nothing that really went together!

We ate mainly spicy food, lots of curries, chillis, lots and lots of mexican food....we shopped for what we wanted rather than what was necessarily good for us!

We often brought fruit and didn't really eat it, cereals went hard in their packets as they were opened for one bowl full and then not looked at again for months...

Packed lunches were made when we had time, we rolled out of bed into the shower, dressed and dashed out of the door for work....

On arrival home from work, housework would be done, a veg in front of the tv, maybe a nice long walk with the dog along the seafront...

Weekends were leisurely affairs, sleeping till we were ready to wake up, getting up to a nice breakfast, deciding what to do as we felt like doing it...living at the last minute....

Since their arrival there has been many many changes, 3 minute showers, blander foods, getting up at 5.30am whatever the day of the week, eating on the hop, so much more washing, taking more care, and much heathier foods in the cupboards...no more weird and wonderful meal ideas.

When my son arrived, for the first 3 weeks I worried constantly about fitting all the housework in, making meals for us while trying to juggle our new small baby, showering daily was such hard work, but I managed - with 2 in 1 shampoos and very quick scrubbing!! Just nipping for a wee was a challenge!

Everyone tells you to relax, let the housework slide, it doesn't last - but for me the fear that it would never get picked back up again was too much, so nap times mainly consisted of me racing round our home doing what I could in the short time I had.

When our second child arrived, I had to keep things going for the sake of the older one, meal times had to be consistant, cleaning had to be done - but by then we had established a routine, and our second child did sleep much better than our first!!

Money was always spent on whatever we wanted or needed, new clothes, new shoes, computer games, cds, dvds - now we are working on making a wonderful home for our children. Obviously there is the mortgage - the bills - we always had those, but now we are trying to make a place our children feel safe and comfortable in, somewhere they want to be. Their wardrobes are bursting with wonderful clothes, their bedrooms full of the best and latest toys, our wardrobes are ok, we have what we need, our latest toys are usually what everyone else had a couple of years ago, but then the games consoles sit unused for much of the time these days, more exciting things to do, stories to read to eager ears, toys to fix, meals to make, fruit to chop, gardens to tidy, house to keep clean and cuddles to have. Console games are all very good - but you cannot build a life around them!

As I sit here on a bank holiday Monday - its not even 7.30am and I have confiscated toys, broken up two fights, and am already on my 2nd cup of coffee - I can really feel the change from 5 years ago..

A bank holiday was just an extra lay-in during a normal mundane week - now its extra time with my two beautiful children, yes I have had to shout more in the last 20 minutes than I did in my whole adult life before they came along - yes I would absolutely love a lay-in with a cuppa and watch something on tv from the comfort of my nice cozy bed, but I wouldn't give this up for my old life ever.

Child Behaviour Expert I Ain't!!

Or so it would appear - its been a while since I have been on, so be gentle!

My son is going through a rather, shall we say difficult stage - its lasted approx...2 years now, and it doesn't look to be getting any better at the moment!!

I am at the end of my tether by about 6pm on most days - this, if you read my last post, will seem odd as I am away from him for so long - but I fear this is half the problem....!

Bless him, we try our best, but our personalities clash at the best of times - I predict interesting teen years!!

Things have changed a little, my other half is working shifts these days, so the children are getting less time away from the 'normal' family thang - in that they only go to our parents for childcare about 4 hours a day, instead of 8 - which can only be a good thing really :o) So bravo on that one!!

We have just ordered my youngest a toddler bed, as, although she isn't showing signs of escape from her cot yet (result she is almost 2!!) I do think she would benefit from learning to sleep in a little bed now......a sad day though when you say good bye to the baby things. I said goodbye to the pram, and the high chair, auf weidersen to the baby clothes and baby toys, adieu to the baby bouncer...and now the cot will be on its way...sob.

Can't believe that its over already, the baby years.

But, can't say I will be sad to say goodbye when the time comes for not spending a fortune on nappies, and I wasn't at all upset when the children began to regularly sleep through the night ;o)

There are positives to all!!

Another thing to note, is today I have been with my rather lovely bloke for 12 years.

We met when I was 14, got together a few months before I was 19, moved in together when I was 20, brought our first home when I was 21, and our 2nd home when I was 26, (when I say 2nd home - I do of course mean sold the first one to buy the second...we are not that well off lol!!!) Now I am approaching 31, we have 2 beautiful children, and it would appear life is pretty good and completely on track!!

Should be mortgage free at 50 - so game on!! lol

Everyone should timeline themselves - its a great way of looking over what you have achieved - in quite frankly a short space of time, lets be honest, 12 years is not a life time - we still have plenty to achieve out there ahead of us - I can't wait!!

I'm Back!

After deleting my rather pitifull attempt at a blog before, whingy whinny quite repulsive to read - I am back and fingers crossed I am happier and trying hard not to let the little things rule!

When I say the little things - I am not referring to my two gorgeous children, although they do their fair share or ruling!

A little about me to start things off, I am married with 2 children, a little boy who is 4 and a little girl who is 19 months old.

My family are my life, I adore them, I love spending time with them, looking after them and generally being around them - warts and all!

My children are going through a constant illness stage of life at the moment, we are now entering month 6, never have I seen so many colds, coughs, chest infections, sickness bugs and the like pass through a family in such a short time.

In the pre-children days, I would probably get 3 colds a year - now I have had three colds this year already, and we only started February last week!

I am as I type, sitting next to my little boy wrapped in a blanket and swallowing like a mad thing, because he would do anything to try and stop himself from being sick - he was sick earlier in my bed on my side. Straight after he threw up spectacularly he declared he was hungry and after a while of crying and begging we have allowed him a small sandwich - which it has to be said - almost immediately rendered him helpless and snuggled under the blanket.

He hasn't been sick again yet - but the signs are all there.

I am ever optimistic that this will be the last of 'it' whatever that means, but as the longest spell we have had without illness in the last 6 months was 2 weeks - I am starting to regret booking that holiday at the end of the month!!

To add to the mega illness drive we are on at the moment, our daughter has decided that she cannot possibly sleep through the night anymore - sleeping through the night was just a faze and now she will wake every 45 minutes to scream the house down. This goes on to about 4.30 in the morning, when she is absolutely at the end of her tether and refusing point blank to lay down anymore.

I gave in this morning and got up with her - so now I am a puked on tired mess ready to face Saturday evening of sicky children and wishing for sleep that is never quite enough.

We again are ever optimistic that this weekend will be different, and we plan various activities and nice meals, but I suspect that tonight as often happens on ill weekends, we will end up with a sandwich at about 10 o'clock once we have managed to settle the kids down.

It is extremely difficult to raise a family in todays world, we both work full time, our children know us as breakfast and dinner parents, its my parents that deal with lunch time 5 days a week.

I am feeling lucky that we both have full time work at the moment, and trying not to grumble too much, but it is difficult not to glare with envy and those who do not have to kiss their babies goodbye for 8 hours a day.

However on the bright side, we are in a position that birthdays and Xmas do not hold too much fear for us, and we have a little bit left to pay for a few breaks away together now and then.

I know that some think we are a little odd, we are out to work me for 8 hours a day, and my husband for 12-14 hours a day, so when we get home all we want to do is be there. We don't want to go out and spend time with friends, and although we would love to have time to visit other family, its not always possible. Sometimes we just want to be us, me my husband and our children - as a family, doing family things.

Weekends are precious as is annual leave and evenings, so you can understand better maybe why illness rules so much of what we do or rather don't do.

Well I have managed to tap this little insight into our family out without my little lad being sick yet - but the night is young, so wish me luck!