A Little Better.....

Well, today is Tuesday on my first week of maternity leave. We awoke on Monday to a blanket of snow, and a neighbour who works at the school knocking on the door to let us know that the school was closed due to a burst water main.

I was left with one very happy little boy, he laughed, smiled and generally took his extra day off in good grace. My lovely other half wasn't at work till lunch time, so we had a fairly relaxed morning together - a treat we didn't know we had coming!

Today, I drove up the hills to take my little boy to school, as the weather was a little poor - hail and snow, but not settling. We got out of the car and walked the three minute walk into school in a cascade of sleet, my coat does not do up at the moment as my full term pregnant bump sticks out too far now, so I was frozen to ice by the time we got to his classroom.

I then walked my daughter back to the car, where we almost got run over by a Mother racing round the corner in her haste to get her own child to school. The horror that went through my mind in that split second was awful, and I shouted at her stupid car and her stupid unkowing face.

I then took my little girl to playgroup and retired home to spend a couple of hours pottering about.

To be honest I didn't do a lot. You don't often get the opportunity to sit with crap on tv, and play mindless card games on your computer, and I took the bull by the horns and ran with it!

Fast forward to this evening, my other half is ironing - a little chore that I can already feel winging its way back to me as soon as this baby makes his appearance. He is watching a film, and I feel a little bored, I think I should go and make my little boys packed lunch for tomorrow - if he will even need it. Its been snowing this afternoon - and although once it stops it does melt eventually, it does keep having a go at putting down more snow - they say we are to have this weather for the next 2 months on and off. Lets hope the baby chooses an off day to arrive, so we can travel to the hospital without too much trouble!

We are coming closer to Christmas now, tomorrow is in fact the first of December. But I don't think I have ever felt less Christmassy ever. I have watched Xmassy movies, listened to all my usual favourite Xmassy songs. I've been wrapping up presents, eating mince pies, making Christmas cakes, reading through my Christmas cook book - but nothing.

I am a control freak at heart, and I think my major problem with getting into the spirit of things this year is to do wth having absolutely no idea when my baby will arrive!

The other two children were both late. my son was 12 days late, and my daughter 9 days late.

I should really expect the same with this one too - but the irrational part of me is wondering if he will arrive in time for Xmas. I have a lovely vision of sitting on Xmas morning with the children excitedly tearing off the wrapping paper, and me sitting in the corner of the sofa with our new baby nestled on my lap.

In all honesty if the baby does arrive before Xmas, it will make it anything but relaxing.

Sitting here this evening, and having deleted things that I feel may upset people at some stage, I have discovered that growing up, or growing older and wiser maybe, is more to do with learning to just shut up, and less about knowing anything more than you did already.

I feel very old at the moment, and very quiet.

Emotional, tired and ready to be me again!

Just read through my last post and have started crying again - I am so glad I wrote it, as I had forgotten most of that day - except for the pressure of trying hard not to cry at my baby girl growing up!

I cried again shortly after as we received her forms to request a place at school for her.

She really is far too small to go to school, she is only 3, we shouldn't have to contemplate these things when she hasn't even reached the heady heights of four years of age....

Anyway, I am now almost 36 weeks pregnant with her baby brother. Her older brother is going through one of his patches again, bickering with his sister at every opportunity, and bickering with me over every little thing. If I say the sky is blue then I am a liar, if I ask him to pull his socks up so he doesn't trip over I am ruining his life. I hate to say I have been a horrid Mummy this week - instead of rising above the petty childishness of it all (he is not yet six after all) I have been bickering back, and worse shouting and hollering at him. I am so tired and have barely any patience left, and I seem to remember feeling this way just before my daughter arrived, and it didn't shift for many many months after, despite her being a joy and sleeping very well for a newborn. I fear that I am turning back into that crappy Mother and I don't want to. So I shall struggle with my horridness and hope that he forgives me for my occasional outburst, just as I do his.

To be fair, he has been difficult. He is extremely opinionated, which I love and want! I want him to be an individual little soul and have his own unique viewpoint of the world. I just wish that his viewpoint didn't always include wandering about with his trousers falling down (he wont undo them to go to the toilet, he just pulls them down over his hips and hoists them back up as best he can - destroying the elastic which eventually gives up all hope of holding the rest of his trousers up and so another pair of trousers disappears into the bin!) or telling me a long list of reasons as to why he was perfectly within his rights to (a) hit his sister (b) play with his sisters toys (c) wont allow his sister to play with his toys (d) play on his Dad's Xbox (e) stay up late on a school night (f) can't do his homework because it will take him one hundred years to complete (g) can't pick his clothes up off the floor....the list is virtually endless, he has a 'reasonable' excuse for everything, and a long winded explanation to go with it which almost always results in my head resting in my hands and my eyes rolling into the back of my head!

At the same time as being opinionated and difficult, he is my lovely little boy. He likes cuddles with his Mummy and will sit and talk for hours on end about Ben 10, Star Wars and his favourite toys which are at the moment Lego. He will ask for every toy advertised on tv, from toys aimed at newborn babies, to dolls aimed at older girls - nothing escapes the standard 'Can I have that for Christmas?' pops out of his mouth, and now he has taught his sister to do this too.....poor Father Christmas hasn't a hope with the list he has produced this year, and has struggled terribly to find out what he would actually like to find in his stocking on Christmas morning....

The ready to be me part refers to being pregnant. I just feel like a tired shell at the moment, containing a baby. I cannot wait to meet him and hold him, and see what he looks like and give him his name. At the moment he is giving me a hard time with kicking and wriggling about, and I feel that my life at the moment is between my stomach moving about like something out of alien...also sickness has kind of returned so not feeling great about that, and not being able to sleep properly of comfortably at night leads to me looking like the walking dead most of the day, with the occasional nap to try and keep me going and keep crappy Mummy at bay a bit....

Feel like a moany moo tonight, there are no solutions and will all be better in time. But that doesn't actually make me feel any better right now!!

It hits home on a Saturday night how tired and miserable I am, I have my pjs on, thick dressing gown and big fluffy blue socks on. I may treat myself with a glass of sparkling water in a minute....my latest addiction. I may even stay up past 9pm although they way I am feeling right this minute I may tumble into my bed sooner.

Tired.com

Well it was my little girls first day of playgroup today. I've been mentally preparing myself for this since she was born, and am still not quite ready.

We started the day with me awake stupidly early and watching some crap on tv, then my little darling arrived at my bedside, and we had girly snuggles and cuddles and watched childrens tv until it was time to get up and get dressed.

First of all the little sparkly pink trousers I chose for her to wear appear to now be two inches too short, so we had to change them for some jeans, which were also verging on being too short. So not only am I having to come to terms with the fact my little girl is going to playgroup - I am also having to deal with the fact that she is finally growing into clothes that are appropriate to her age. Some of the labels in her trousers are for age 12-18 months, and at just over 3 years old that makes her quite tiny.

Next we had to get through breakfast, she ate a good breakfast, as did her brother, and then I did her hair back in a ponytail and took some photos of her all ready for her first day.

Time seemed to steam along, as we were soon walking up the hills to take her brother to school, and she was declaring that she was a big girl now, and so walked 2 feet ahead of us almost all the way to school.

We dropped her brother at school - he went in beautifully and gave her a big hug and wished her luck for her first day at playgroup. I could feel tears welling already at this point, then I remembered that stupid Mummy had forgotten her piece of fruit.

So we wandered up to the co-op and she chose a couple of mandarin oranges to take with her. This was a good task, as we needed to kill a little time before we got to playgroup - as there is nothing worse than standing outside playgroup waiting for them to open the doors.

On the way we held hands, and I gulped back tears as she chatted in her little monkey way. She told me she felt a little bit sad, and I gulped back the tears harder than ever, and told her it was normal to feel that way.

She moaned that it was hard work walking to playgroup, and it is hard work, we had worn ourselves out on the first lot of hills!

When we arrived we had a short wait, and then the doors opened and the other children started wandering in, my lovely little girl was desperate to get in and get going, and was tugging at my reluctant hand. I wanted to run away and take her back home where we could hide away from the world, but I knew deep in my heart that you have to go through these things.

She is such a lovely natured child, and she was smiling and waving at a little girl who was crying and upset about going in to playgroup. Unfazed by her tears she just did what she could to try and cheer the unknown little girl up.

We signed her in, and handed in her fruit and passed over the reams of paper work that accompanies a child starting at playgroup.

She looked around the room with a big beaming smile - she was finally here!

I asked her what she wanted to do first, pointing out all the quiet activities, but she jumped right in and wanted to go with the rough and tumble of the wooden slide.

I asked her if she was ok if I left, and she said she was. I stood redundant for a moment or two until she turned to me and said 'Go on then go!' She was ready for me to remove myself, and I was ready to as the tears I had been gulping back since daybreak were starting to break free - and I did not want her to see them!

I walked out and phoned my lovely husband, and sobbed most of the way home into my phone.

I am so proud of her confidence, and so happy she was happy for me to go, but my baby has started playgroup, and I am sad.

I kept myself busy all morning, ironing, and drinking tea, and returned to collect her with my Mum.

We walked in and she saw me and shouted 'Mummy Mummy!' her big beaming smile and she ran towards me, flung her arms round my neck and hugged me tight, she then hugged her Grandma and told us she had a great time. She collected her picture she had made, and we walked out hand in hand. One of the ladies said what a good little girl she is and how they hardly knew they had her there, which really didn't surprise me at all. She is a good little girl.

In the car she told me she had missed me but had not been scared. I told her I had missed her too, and started the job of holding back the tears again.

I did well I held back the tears till she fell asleep, and now they pour.

The most stupid thing is I would have been at work anyway, but knowing she was doing something new and making her own little life away from me just makes me cry.

I am so proud of her, and so pleased and so happy that she had a good day, and she is so excited about going again tomorrow. What a clever little thing she is.

Is that the time already?

I have a tummy full of ham, cheese and red jalapeno rolls and also a 24 week pregnant bump. Where has the time gone?

This is my best pregnancy out of the three so far, My lovely oldest son was nightmare pregnancy, I could barely stay awake most of the time, I couldn't eat much, was sick a lot, and generally felt terrible. My pregnancy with my daughter was not as bad as with my eldest, had more energy, but then I had to, being a Mummy to an energetic 2 year old at the time. But this time has to beat even that time, we had a few health worries with my daughter, and I spent the second half of the pregnancy worried sick and wishing the time away so we could meet her and find her to be beautiful and perfect - which of course she was and still is.

Everything so far has run fairly smoothy, and am quite enjoying my bump, but he (yes we found out he is a boy) does kick me really hard and it actually hurts sometimes! Maybe a future footballer?

My lovely husband is on call this weekend for work, he didn't get home till late last night, he was out early this morning for work, and has just returned home at 1.30 this afternoon, he walked in the door with 2 seperate mobile phones ringing, looking frazzled and quite frankly pissed off.

So that is our bank holiday weekend then, I'll see him occasionally between phone calls, and spend most of the time seperating the children from fights - although to be fair, they have been great so far today.

We were going to see Toy Story 3 at the cinema, in 3D this afternoon, but I am not sure that is going to happen now. This makes me sad as I have wanted to see it since it came out in the cinema 6 weeks ago, and the children would rather like to see it as well. Its the last weekend before my eldest returns to school after his summer holiday, which has flown past us.

We did him proud though between us and the grandparents, he has seen rescued horses at a sanctuary, been on piers and won teddies, seen steam trains, and spent time on the beach, he had a week in France, and visited the hell that is Disneyland, a huge french palace, a traditional french market and a tiny village where all the shops were too posh for us to go into! He has tasted French sausages, French Macdonalds, we were in the Brie region and so he sampled brie, and other cheeses, meats and fantastic bread and pastries.

Time is ticking on, and now my family is back in the same house again, I should go and spend time with them. (and on the subject of time, my eldest son is learning to tell the time, and I am enjoying the updates!)

Tesco Value Range

You've got to love it.

They make jaffa cakes - really very nice jaffa cakes - they come in their plain packaging, white box blue stripes - you've all seen it before. But the thing I love most about Tesco Value Jaffa Cakes is they don't contain milk which means my delightful but lactose intolerant little girl can munch on them too - till her hearts content, till she has orange splatty bits coming out of her ears in fact!

I always want to do a little leap when I find something ordinary that she can eat too. She has her dairy free chocolate buttons, and her soya spread, her lacto-free milk and even special cheese, but when she can just sit with us and have ordinary food that we can all eat it makes me feel so happy.

She will ask if she can have something, and sometimes if someone offers her something she asks first if it has milk in it, because she knows it makes her have a sore tummy.

It breaks my heart and also makes me beam with pride because I feel so sad that she has to check before she eats things, but I am so proud that she understands at a three year olds level that she can't have some things, and she is clever enough to ask before she ploughs into something she may not be able to have.

Tesco value rich tea biscuits don't have milk in either - but rich tea biscuits are pretty pants anyway!

Remembering Fondly

I remember the feeling very well, if I could bottle it and sell it I would be a billionaire, that feeling you get at the start of your six week summer holidays when you are a child.

You don't get that same feeling the year you leave school because there is uncertainty and decisions to be made that you will possibly regret for the rest of your life.

I remember the pure joy, the knowing that early mornings will be reserved for fun days out, the realisation that your school uniform will hang in your wardrobe getting dusty, the fact you can choose whatever you want to wear, what time you will get up, and you have the wonder of a morning full of childrens tv.

Although now I suppose that isn't one of the points that lure children into the joy of summer holidays - my children have tv on tap from the moment they wake to the moment they sleep if required, and its even there on those occasions that they have emptied their stomach contents all over their bed, and need a distraction from the sicky feeling that still remains in the middle of the night.

I have never ever had that feeling since I was approx fourteen years old, and I miss it, and I know I shall probably never ever have that feeling again.

What I do hope is that the children will get that lovely feeling, my little boy is counting down to his first six week holiday from school, and for months has been wanting to know how much longer?! This morning he welcomed me warmly when he woke up, with a big kiss and a lovely hug that only he knows how to deliver - he announced to us that he was really looking forward to school today, and he wished he could go there right now (it was 7am) I asked him why, and he told me because he has so much fun there.

I am so glad he is enjoying school, but I do wish he had discovered it wasn't that bad 6 months ago, instead of waiting till the week before he breaks up for summer!

Cor Blimey!

Well should really attempt a blog as it has been a while I guess!

Things are a changing again, work (pants!) is changing, new systems, expectations of great things, reality probable redundancy - phew what an escape! Will be my chance to get off my fat arse and do something less boring instead! Admin sucks!

Me - I am changing, getting very slightly more laid back, have decided that as there is another baby on the way I may as well give up on the show house ideal, and relax in my family home with my quiet frankly delicious little family. Also bump is pushing through now, clothes are no longer fitting, and my legs have begun to swell to enormous widths during the day. I have always had podgy legs, but my goodness these are a sight to behold - elephants would be keen to see the wonder of these!

Add the insect bites (is there anything about the summer that should make me happy?!) and you have horrific looking legs - they really are horrid, and are happiest elevated and covered so as not to alarm the children and the dog.

I am desperately trying to widen my entertainment, too long have I sat and watched american comedies which I have seen several times before. Its all part of my anxiety and trying new things, I am such an idiot - I am scared of wasting time on rubbish tv! I would rather commit to an old favourite episode of Friends or Frasier than explore new territory! Goodness only knows what I will be like when I am old! Sat in front of an ancient DVD player while my Great Grandchildren shy away from the strange old lady that is sitting dribbling and watching odd tv.

I have so far started watching Police Interceptors - on recomendation by a friend, I very rarely venture onto something that is completely new to me! I have also attempted Psychoville which was repeated on UKGold or Dave or whatever its called these days - I watched the entire series over 2 nights, which is kind of old behaviour in that I crammed it in, but it was a new programme so kudos to me for that! lol

This was kind of an easing into the real world a bit - it was a repeat but not something I had seen before!

I even watched a movie last night - all the way through. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, I borrowed it from my parents about 6 months ago, and finally got courage up to watch it, and I am very glad I did. It was very good and very entertaining, and reminded me how much I adore Alan Rickman.

Ahhh Alan Rickman, probably top 5, nay top 3, possibly even number 1 of greatest actors of all time.

Right I am off to do some ankle rotations on order of the midwife and possibly even a relaxing bath.

Well that is one approach.....

I finally have a way out of work - well for a short time anyway. I am newly pregnant with my third baby!

It came as quite a surprise to me and the other half. But now the initial life changing shock has worn off, we are both excited about our new addition.

The children are quite excited, my son is excited and would like a boy as then he would get to share his bedroom, my daughter is excited and also would like a boy, as she has lots and lots of girl cousins, and I think she quite likes being the 'only girl' in our unit.

To be honest it was something I thought may happen sometime in the future, another baby - but as it happens its now, and I am really quite excited to meet the new little personality.

Morning sickness is not really something I am suffering with this time, the odd day I get 'the gags' and some evenings, but no real sickness.

I've just spent the best part of the morning having a lay-in to help with the tiredness that accompanies pregnancy. I then got up and made the masses pancakes for breakfast - well it is Sunday!

Its actually May now, but still wet and grey on the whole. Not something that bothers me too much - I'm not all that outdoorsy, so it really isn't a big deal to spend the day inside!

I suppose I can't write a blog at this particular moment in history without a mention of the hung parliament. I didn't vote Tory, and if there is any agreement between Tory and Lib Dem, it will be short lived and will mean in 12 months when it all goes terribly wrong that Labour will get in again. So maybe that is a good thing.....of course if the Lib Dems go with the Tories - we may be saying a firm goodbye to Nick Clegg, and without a doubt they will go on to dissappear into obscurity - I am fairly certain that most Lib Dems fall on the side of Labour rather than Tory.....

That is my view anyway.

Right I am off to do pregnant things like rest and look at baby things......

Another Wet Sunday!

We get a lot of those, and I really do enjoy them.

The children have their toys out, and are on the whole playing together, the tv is showing a selection of Tom and Jerry cartoons, and me and the other half are sitting at our laptops.

I think I may have the start of yet another chest infection, I had a week off work a couple of weeks ago with a severe chest infection, and its never really gone away.

Work - now there is a topic! I am at a stage in my job where I have started to dread going in, I sit and look at the clock from the minute I walk in the door, and I escape with a large smile on my face knowing that I don't have to see these people again for 12 hours,

I am contemplating lots of ways out of work, I buy lottery tickets regularly and keep a very close eye on new job options, but nothing has yet come to fruition.

It dawned on me today, that in 7 months I will be applying for my daughters place at school for next year. She will be starting school in approx 18 months, and she isn't even 3 yet, and hasn't started playgroup yet!

I am not ready for my baby to go to playgroup, and I am not ready for her to go to school, I am not ready to be a Mother of two children, I am enjoying being a Mother of 1 child and 1 toddler! I'm not ready to give up my buggy, and the nappies, and I wasn't ready to throw away the bottles and steriliser, the cot and the baby toys. But I guess the time is coming where I am being swept along, rather than choosing the next stage.

When I was a teenager I couldn't wait to be older so I could make my own choices, and yet the choices you make eventually leave you with none, and you are eventually left plodding along doing what is expected, choices being a far distant memory, and you are not really sure you ever had much of a say in the choices you made anyway.

Another moment passed followed by another.....and then another,....

Well that is what life is all about isn't it? Moments passing?

Today I am reflecting my little boys 5th birthday. He is at the moment at school, hopefully having a lovely time and looking forward to coming home to his little pile of presents.

I've put a Ben 10 tablecloth on the dinning table and wrapped the presents, there are 'Happy Birthday' banners adorning the doors and walls and balloons in pretty colours everywhere.

Looking back to his first day in our lives he was a tiny little thing, little arms and legs and tiny feet. Although he was born at 8lb 12oz he wasn't teeny, he was still our precious newborn baby.

He had dark hair and beautiful blue eyes full of intellegence - the midwife said 'he's been here before' as she stroked his beautiful face and watched his knowing looks.

As he has grown he has excelled in everything, he grew brilliantly and is a tall boy now, perfect to look at and still with those beautiful dark brooding eyes so full of knowledge. He has his moments, he is a little pest at times, and has always from the moment he was born cried more than he really needs to.

He learned to speak early, smile, laugh, and now he is learning to read and learning music, always keen to learn new skills.

That tiny baby who laid in my arms, cried a lot, put me through hell with his feeding and sleeping issues, is now that beautiful little boy, who cries a lot and puts me through hell with his huge personality and lack of understanding for rules!

He plays with his little sister now with love and care, he is thoughtful and kind beyond his five years, and I get excited at the prospect of a cuddle with that lovely boy, or a chat or a chance to share a nice meal or watch some television. We have giggles and fun, and serious chats, he has input into the weekly menu and understands the importance of a balanced diet.

He is my son and I adore him.

Happy Birthday sweetheart xxx

Someone help us?!

It should be 'God help us' but as I have zero believe or less in a higher power existing I had to think of something else....

I am going to have a little rant now, close your eyes and navigate away from the page if this is likely to annoy you!

Snow - it falls from the ground, as far as I am aware the government don't have a great deal to do with the actual ordering of the snow, or the stopping of the snow.

They also have no idea how much snow the country will get from year to year - and so they cannot possibly be prepared with snow plows and grit for the amount of snow we have had this year.

YET - all I hear is how the government/local council are negligent in their efforts to combat the snow fall - even the roads that have been gritted are getting covered as soon as we get the next lot of snow fall - its what some might call a loosing battle.

So sick of hearing moaning about school closures, the country grinding to a standstill - is it really that bad? Honestly?

The problem is not the country being un-prepared, its the people, the people who cannot understand that things will have to be a bit different - you cannot go on 'as normal' when the country is covered in snow!

Is it really so bad that you can't get out driving? You can't go out boozing it? You might have to stay at home and spend some time with your family?!?!?

Really?

Its been a pain from my point of view only because I have had to take holiday from work - other than that, its been a good opportunity to spend time with my children - and as we live at the bottom of a big hill no one can visit us!!!!!!!

Sneefal

Probably spelt wrong, but there you go!

Well we are covered in about a foot of snow now! So much snow fell last night to cover what we had already - I can't see us ever getting out again!!!

The school is closed, I have used 3 days holiday so far - they have run out of grit - journeys are taking 4 times as long as they should - kids are going a bit stir crazy!!

I am enjoying the extra time off with the children, there have been arguements and misunderstandings, fights and cross words, but there have also been snuggles, songs, movies and cosy dinners. There is more good than not so good.

Standing at the back door last night with it open and watching the huge clumps of snow fall in the garden, I am always amazed at the pure silence that comes with the snow. How wonderful it must be to live in a country better equiped to deal with this kind of weather. Its unfair to be cross with the UK for not being prepared - I don't want the council spending my tax money on extra grit and snow plows for this kind of snow every 30 years! I say sit back and enjoy! Use a couple of days holiday if you can, and just have a few days where you don't see anyone else, you just rely on your own company and those of the ones you love.